kiwi
Earth Mage
That's hot...
Posts: 3,100
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Post by kiwi on Jun 24, 2007 10:06:27 GMT -5
we have these quotes in our siggys so why not post our favourite quotes from our social lives, movies, TV, lyrics, whatever. Something to do to keep ourselves entertained.
Me first! When I was in school, I used to write down funny quote/things that people said and I found this the other day, this happened in History:
Mr C.: "What did Samuel Pepys bury in his garden to save it from the Great Fire of London?" Me: “Blimey, something flammable, it must of been.” Mr C.: “It begins with ‘C’.” Leah: “Cardboard.” Dee: “Cock?” Me: “His cock!” Mr C.: “His cock?” Me: “He cut his cock off and buried it.” Mr C.: “No, not cock.” Gamze: “His cockerel.” Mr C.: “Nor his cockerel.” Me: “Cheese!” Mr Carter: “Cheese is the right answer, well done! It was more dairy than diary, you might say.” Everyone: “Booooooo, crap joke.” Mr C.: “Thank you. Thank you.” Me: “They’ve got standards, these people.” Mr C.: “They have, haven’t they. It was a piece of parmesan, as a matter of fact.” Leah: “Why?” Mr C.: “It was very valuable, very expensive, came all the way from Italy, in those days.” Chris: “He didn’t go and help anyone.” Mr C.: “No, but he did write abo-” Chris: “He didn’t muck in. He went shit, the cheese! He was supposed to be a great man.” Mr C.: “He was a great diarist, he didn’t claim to be a more morally superior man than anyone else. He watched the fire from across the river because he was on the other side.” Me: “You can imagine MR. PEPYS! MR. PEPYS! HEEEELP!!-” *Imitates digging.* “Fuck off! And then with this huge pile of it.” *Imitates holding a big slice of cheese.* Chris: “Run back into that burning building; my grater’s in there!” Me: “Save the pesto!”
now, you share some of your favourite quotes.
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kiwi
Earth Mage
That's hot...
Posts: 3,100
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Post by kiwi on Jun 25, 2007 5:15:52 GMT -5
During English, Dec 2006 [lol]
Toby: "Is the head coming in?" Ms. W.: "Yeah." Toby: "But there's shit everywhere!" Ms. W.: "I know!" Toby: *starts frantically cleaning his desk* Ms. W.: *laughing* "Just calm down!" Toby: "I've got a christmas tree drawn on my work!! Fuck! Fuck!! Fuck!!!" Ms. W.: "We're pretending-" *laughs* Toby: "A tiny frog from a cracker and there is no cracker!!!" Ms. W.: "We're pretending now to-" Toby: "FUCK IT! FUCK IT!"
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 2, 2007 17:01:47 GMT -5
Oooo, I fully intend to abuse this thread to the fullest! ;D
----
[before going to meet up with the guys] Me: Okay, here's the deal: You're my bodyguard - kay? You are the buffer between me and Kevin. You are to prevent him from getting too 'friendly'. Alison: *salutes* Leave it to me, cap'n! [meeting up with the guys] Alison: *marching up to Kevin* I am Dan's eyes and ears! Let's keep this platonic, mkay? [leaving after hanging out with the guys] Me: ........ You are a very bad bodyguard. Alison: Why? Did he kiss you? Me: Oh, only twice. Alison: When did this happen?! Me: While you were playing video game demos and hitting Aleks! Alison: ... Wow, I was really hitting the wrong guy. Me: You are a sucky bodyguard. Stick with your day job.
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 2, 2007 17:20:51 GMT -5
Me: *spotting a poster for GLBT&F alliance in the university* Oooo, hold up! I need to take a picture of this for Donna! Dad: *groans* Why? Me: Coz she'd like to see it. She told me that if there wasn't one here already then I'd have to start one. Dad: *eyes wide, paleing a bit* But you're not.....? Me: *deadpan, blank look* Dad: *starts to have mini aneurysm* Me: *shrugs* I know. I'm straight, but not narrow. Dad: *relaxing - slightly* Straight but not narrow..? Me: *points to each letter of the acronym as she reads off* Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Transsexual, and FRIENDS. *finishing taking pictures, bright, innocent smile* Mkay, we can go!
[my dad's pretty much homophobic, so I take every opportunity I can get to scare the crap out of him or shove things in his face, like the fact that half of my friends are bi or gay. it's fun giving him a slap of reality. and I have no qualms about calling him a homophobe to his face, even though he feebly tries to deny it - sometimes. he doesn't like the fact that I'm wiccan either - he needs to get with the century. he's way too conservative for modern times.]
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 3, 2007 12:56:07 GMT -5
[an IM conversation, while I was being emo about Dan. again. i said i'd be right back, that i was going to get junk food, but obviously she didn't see the message...]
Megan: come on, you there? Megan: Just whatever you do, do not touch your razor!!! Megan: i swear to all thats soft and fluffy, if you commit suicide, I'll kill you!!! Megan: dude seriously Megan: come on Me: back! Megan: Just don't let the whole Dan thing get to you Me: chiiiiiiiiiill, i was eating chocolate! Megan: oh Megan: lol Me: lol Megan: seriously tho, who needs guys?! Megan: they're interested in one thing, and one thing only Me: boys are stupid, we should throw rocks at them and become lesbians or nuns. or both.
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 6, 2007 3:13:26 GMT -5
[...it's 3am, this just happened, and I found it utterly hilarious afterwards. it's probably the lack of sleep, but whatever.]
Me: *walks into the bathroom* Fly: *lazily circles by* Me: Holy fuck! You're still alive?! I shut you in here yesterday! Fly: *flies close by* Me: Hey, dude, I just want to brush my teeth. If you want to sit on the wall nice and quiet, that's fine, I'll let you stay. Fly: *flies closer* Me: Alright, you want some of this?! Come on! Bring it! Fly: *circles lazily* Me: *flails in what might be an attempt at karate-type moves, or perhaps just trying to backhand the fly into oblivion* Fly: *lazily goes and lands in the shower* Me: *runs and pulls the shower curtain closed* HA! What now?! Yeah, that's right! FEAR ME!
[The sad thing is.. I actually said all that out loud. >_<]
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kiwi
Earth Mage
That's hot...
Posts: 3,100
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Post by kiwi on Jul 8, 2007 12:36:24 GMT -5
LMAO!
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 28, 2007 5:15:22 GMT -5
Okay, this next I found in the LiveJournal of mistful, aka Maya. She's awesome, and writes quite possibly the most fun and hilarious Harry/Draco fic out there. Draco is so out of character, but so damn lovable and quirky that this hers has instantly become a favorite of mine, even if there has been slim to none actual action between the boys yet. But witty banter is definitely there. Anyway, on to the quote from her reflecting on her personal life that made me laugh out loud because it SO sounded like the kind of inner monologues that go through my brain..
"So in the supermarket, I became distracted by a jar of marmalade. The little orange strands in it suddenly looked rather like fish to me, and I tilted the jar of marmalade towards the light, thinking 'the fish would need special jelly-absorbing gills' when it occurred to me that nobody who thinks about fish living in marmalade will ever turn out to be a Secret Genius.
... It was a blow to me, I will confess. But I'm recovering."
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 29, 2007 1:51:35 GMT -5
I couldn't help it.. Another Maya journal quote. I just love her and her fics!
PAPA: All right, time to go to the car! Where is it? SAUL (proudly): I wrote it down. Floor 4, Space 29. PAPA: Great! And uh... how do we get to Floor 4, Space 29 from Leicester Square? ALL: a hollow silence MAYA: We could be trapped in the dark heart of the city all night. SAUL: And you know what that means. MAYA: Rent boy! SAUL: Hooker! PAPA: Every time we're stranded in a strange city, my children argue over who has to prostitute themselves for shelter. It makes a parent worry.
When stopped by the police. OFFICER 1: Your car was weaving, sir. PAPA: I'm afraid I'm was a little uncertain of the way. I'm Irish, you see. OFFICER 2: Yes, but you also smell strongly of drink. PAPA: Well, my daughter flung a glass of wine on me in the British Museum. OFFICER 1: ... Does she do things like that often? MAYA: The urges come and go.
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Post by akaloser on Jul 29, 2007 1:55:15 GMT -5
lmao
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Post by Justine on Jul 29, 2007 13:13:25 GMT -5
I saw Hairspray last week for my friend's birthday and I just couldn't help but post a quote or two from the movie. btw, Mr. Pinky (played by Jerry Stiller) owns a store for plus sized women and Edna Turnblad (played by John Travolta hehe) shops there.
Mr. Pinky: [guessing Edna's sizes] 54-Double D? Edna Turnblad: Triple E [chuckles] Mr. Pinky: [shouts] I hit the motherload!
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Post by starcrossed on Jun 25, 2008 23:40:47 GMT -5
[Reviving this thread, because I constantly come across funny quotes that I want to share with people! The following is from Season 6, Episode 15 of South Park.]
STAN: Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real. JOHN EDWARD: Maybe it is for real. STAN: Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life. JOHN EDWARD: Look, people have the right to be skeptical! I really hear voices in my head! STAN: Yeah, we all hear voices in our heads, it's called intuition. Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun. JOHN EDWARD: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life. STAN: No, you give them false hope and belief in something that isn't real. JOHN EDWARD: But I'm a psychic! STAN: No, dude, you're a douche. JOHN EDWARD: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe dead people talk to me? STAN: Then you're a stupid douche.
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Post by starcrossed on Jun 25, 2008 23:46:18 GMT -5
[from today at the mall]
ME: *eats Sonic and eyes two army men sitting together two tables away* MOM: *eyes army men boredly* ME: Do you think they're gay also? MOM: What? ME: I think they're gay. MOM: You think everyone's gay. ME: It makes things more interesting. But they're gay. They met in the army, and they fell in love and had clandestine meetings behind the bunk house. And the one on the right is afraid of his sexuality and paranoid that they'll get caught and kicked out of the army. The one on the left has OCD. MOM: ...What? ME: I don't know, he just folded his Chick-fil-a bag really OCD-like. MOM: And the rest of it? ME: I have a problem. I may need gayhab.
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 2, 2008 15:08:47 GMT -5
[Driving to an arts fair in the park next to the library]
DAD: *driving past the library* SIGN: Book Sale Today! ME: BOOKSBOOKSBOOKSBOOKS! DAD: What? ME: BOOK SALE! BOOK. SALE. BOOKSALEBOOKSALEBOOKSALE! DAD: Okay, okay, relax. ME: *foaming at the mouth* BOOK SALE NOW. FAIR LATER. DAD: Are you su- ME: Turn here turn here TURN HERE! DAD: *turns, parks* ME: *leaping out of car* I caution you. I am fully prepared to claw someone's eyes out for the books I want. DAD: ...."So lucky your child likes to read", they said. "It's so good for her", they said. ME: *salivates* Boooooooks.
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 2, 2008 15:17:15 GMT -5
[From the LiveJournal of the fabulous up-and-coming fantasy author, Sarah Rees Brennan, who I am already a huge fan of because of her awesome Drarry fanfics. Her original fiction trilogy, starting with The Demon's Lexicon, looks extremely promising! Also, she is hilarious to the max.]
SARAH: For King George's visit the waterfall was dammed and a special bridge built so the king could see its dramatic release. The force of the waterfall broke the bridge and killed the king in the most hilarious royal death ever. VIN'S FRIEND RIA: Vin, I want you to know that is not true. SARAH: It could've been true. Except that the king was having such a rocking party that he wouldn't go out to the waterfall. Kept saying 'margaritas for the king!' VIN: Is that bit true? SARAH: Of course it is! What else would you say, if you were king?
We were prowling through Powerscourt's redone house when we turned a doorknob and wandered into an unguarded and fully stocked bar. I looked around, then slid insouciantly behind it.
SARAH: Drinks, ladies? VIN: Margaritas for the king!
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 2, 2008 21:48:06 GMT -5
[From the Eclipse summary/affectionate snark by Cleolinda Jones of Movies in 15 Minutes fame..]
Also hilarious: Edward's plans for how to escape a hypothetically crashing plane: I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall, and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history. Somewhere, the entire cast of Lost is giving Edward the finger.
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 5, 2008 20:25:21 GMT -5
[Today, at Walmart with my dad..]
ME: *standing in line, spots Red Bull* Mmm, Red Bull. Red Bull Red Bull Red Bull. DAD: *eyeroll* ME: *moving up in line* When I'm rich and famous, I'll have a Red Bull vending machine in my house. DAD: A Red Bull vending machine? ME: Yep. *happens to glance at cashier* HOT CASHIER'S SMILE: Ding! ME: ...And that's how I'll siphon money out of my friends. HOT CASHIER: *laughs quietly* DAD: I see.
[As we walked away..]
ME: ...Which Walmart is this? The one close to home or far away? DAD: The close Walmart. ME: And what time is it? DAD: Seven. ME: ...I could work at Walmart. In fact, I think I will apply at Walmart when I get back from Florida. To work on Saturdays, at seven. I never realized how awesome Walmart is before. DAD: *totally confused*
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Post by Sharkbait on Jul 5, 2008 20:42:07 GMT -5
ME: *walks up to the line for the register* MOM: *walks up behind me* Oh, a George Carlin book. Let's read it. Oh, here, read this. *shoves in in my face* ME: *starts reading it* Okay, I have no idea why I'm- *shoves in back in my mom's hands* Jeez, Mom, I don't need to read this. MOM: Oh, come on it's funny. GUY IN FRONT OF US: *leaves the cashier and, subsequently, the store* ME: *looks between the cashier and my mom* MOM: *still reading the book* ME: Mom... Mom, come on. MOM: No, I'm not done yet. CASHIER: *trying not to laugh* ME: *embarrassed* Mom, the guy in front of us is done. MOM: *looks at the cashier* She's just embarrassed that I made her read some joke about how it doesn't matter if guys wash after they go to the bathroom. ME: *turns beet red* Mom! CASHIER: *being cute, and still trying not to laugh* ME: *glares at my mom, takes the books from my mom, and walks up to the cahsier with a fake smile* Hi. *hands the books to the cashier* MOM: I think we need to get this. ME: No, Mom, we don't. MOM: Yes, we do. ME: Fine. *grabs the book and basically shoves it into the cashier's hands* CASHIER: *lets out a small chuckle and starts to turn red from containing his laughter*
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 5, 2008 22:23:29 GMT -5
[Another quote from the illustrious Sarah Rees Brennan, whose hilarious blog can be found here: mistful.livejournal.com/.] The time has come to confess this: I am wretchedly ill. I have been in sniffly denial for some time, but today it is beyond my power to deny. I was sitting wrapped in a blanket writing fighting scenes (almost as good as make-out scenes!) and I kept thinking 'Must buy milk!' Eventually I tottered weakly down to the shop. SHOPKEEPER: Love, I think you've had enough. SARAH ( peers intently at the carton): But this is - I mean, this is milk, isn't it? SHOPKEEPER: Yes. You've been down here and bought milk three times today. SARAH: ... Huh. Some time later, the Durham Lass came home and flopped on the sofa. DURHAM LASS: I need tea. Do you know, I think if I developed an allergy to tea, I would have to top myself. SARAH: I am glad you want tea! Let's all have tea! With lots of milk! DURHAM LASS: Oh, good, did you buy milk? SARAH: Don't look in the fridge!
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Post by starcrossed on Jul 7, 2008 21:15:43 GMT -5
[Outside the AT&T store..] DAD: Right, so when we go in there we have to pretend we're not desperate. We have to act casual. ME: *wisely* Like we're just thinking of switching services, but we're not convinced. DAD: Exactly! ME: Don't worry. I've taken a drama class. [Inside the AT&T store] AT&T WORKER: Hi! ME: BLACKBERRY BLACKBERRY BLACKBERRY NOW! AT&T WORKER: How about I show you our very most expensive Blackberry! ME: *snatches* My preeeeciousssss.. DAD: *facepalm*
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