How To Roast A Turkey

[kiwi]

i need help coz this is meant to be funny and i'm failing misserably. This is my English homework and I NEED HELP, lol

This is what I have so far;

How To Prepare A Turkey.

Christmas is about Jesus being born and how he’s the Son of God and all that jazz. We celebrate it by eating a turkey, make a tree look pretty, practically worship a fat guy in a red suit and buy crap for people who think its crap but don’t say that it’s crap. Where the hell did that come from?

Jesus was not born to a big, jolly guy in a red suit. His first words were not “bloody hell, I wish I had a turkey right now.” There are no fern trees in Nazareth. The ‘partridge in a pear tree’ song was not sung at the last supper. They weren’t all there; drunk, singing and a partridge in a pear tree…FIIIIIIIVE GOOOOLD RIIIINGS!!

Now, the turkey. Firstly, for the love of God, please kill the turkey first before you put the stuffing in it. Then, after you've murdered and desecrated its corpse by plucking out all the feathers and chopping off the bits you don't find all that tasty, you'll want to let it stew in its own filth in a salt-and-water solution for four hours, just to get the bacteria growing. Then you pour that out, give the turkey a bath, and then let it freeze its willy off in the fridge for a year [or overnight, depends on how well ahead you've planned]. Or you can blow-dry it, if you're in a time crunch. People do that. Seriously. That's got to be a freaking weird thing to see if you just walked into a room.

Anyway, crank up your oven to the temperature of the sun and let it preheat while you humiliate the spirit of the dead turkey even more by further debasing its corpse. Chop up some veggies and sprinkle on some herbs, then tie the turkey up. The tying thing really has no point, besides the fact that the very first person to cook a turkey to celebrate Jesus' birth was kind of deranged and was later stoned to death. We celebrate that by carrying on the tradition.

Once it's been cooking for a while, check back on it to make sure it hasn't run away. If you killed it correctly, it shouldn't. While checking it, stick the baster through the skin and inject the liquid in to keep the meat moist. This will also be a good tester to see if it is actually dead.



I need to talk more about the turkey but it can go off topic so could you guyz maybe some up with a few funny phrases to help me, i love you all!

[starcrossed]

ooooo, this looks like fun! and looooooove the eddie izzard bit, lol. will start brainstorming!

[kiwi]

tehe, i gotta have some eddie in there, tehe. thank you sooo much for your help, luff you.

[Sharkbait]

Sounds pretty funny already... I'll try to come up with other things for you.

[starcrossed]

"Then, after you've murdered and desecrated its corpse by plucking out all the feathers and chopping off the bits you don't find all that tasty [leave some stuff on the bones though], you'll want to let it stew in its own filth in a salt-and-water solution for four hours, just to get the bacteria growing. Then you pour that out, give the turkey a bath, and then let it freeze its bollocks off dry off in the fridge for a year [or overnight, depends on how well ahead you've planned]. Or you can blow-dry it, if you're in a time crunch. People do that. Seriously. That's gotta be a freaking weird thing to see if you just walked into a room. Anyway, crank up your oven to the temperature of the sun [alright, maybe a very small sun] and let it preheat while you humiliate the spirit of the dead turkey even more by further debasing its corpse. Chop up some veggies and sprinkle on some herbs, then tie the turkey up. The tying thing really has no point, besides the fact that the very first person to cook a turkey to celebrate Jesus' birth was kind of deranged and was later stoned to death. We celebrate that by carrying on the tradition."

[Sharkbait]

Once it's been cooking for a while, check back on it to make sure it hasn't run away. If you killed it correctly, it shouldn't. While checking it, stick the baster through the skin and inject the liquid in to keep the meat moist. This will also be a good tester to see if it is actually dead.

[kiwi]

omg thank you soooo much, sooooo funny!! That cheered me up, thank you!

[starcrossed]

;D no prob!